How TUF is like Superman Returns and not Spider-man 2

I don’t have much to say about the first episode of The Ultimate Fighter: Heavyweights other than “is that all there is?” It certainly didn’t live up to the hype. Yes, I know it’s the first episode, kind of like the first movie in a superhero franchise where they have to spend most of it telling the origin before any bad guys get smashed. But this was the Superman Returns of first episodes.

The oh-so-witty repartee between coaches Rashad Evans and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson felt scripted (except where the sum total of Rampage’s mid-fight advice to Abe Wagner amounted to “get up). Rampage seemed obsessed with a couple of the fighters’ man-tits although the only boob I saw was Rampage. He’s the worst coach this show’s ever had, totally useless and even insulting and degrading toward the fighters he’s supposed to help. And I don’t know if I can handle an entire season of his mouth.

And what was up with him walking away from the fight before it was over? Sure, there was only about 10 seconds left and it was obvious his fighter, Wagner, was going to lose, but that’s just wrong, wrong, wrong. I wouldn’t say it’s as bad as Michael Bisping no-showing for a fight last season but it’s close.Disrespectful, unprofessional and childish. Don’t tell me it’s because Rampage is such a competitor he takes it personally. His job on the show is to coach. That means being there for his fighters even when they’re getting their ass kicked, even when there’s only a few seconds left in the bout. No excuse.

This whole season has been built around Kimbo Slice, which I’m sure will generate lots of viewers and whatever. I can’t stand him. He’s a gorilla and not in a good way. I mean less evolved, an ape. The less I see (and hear) of him the better.

Okay, the first fight. Neither of the two fighters have any chance of winning the Ultimate Fighter so immediately my interest was near zero. Abe Wagner reminded me of Tim Sylvia before the fight and then really reminded me of Tim Sylvia during the fight as he was used as a doormat by wrestler Jon Madsen. He kept wanting to touch gloves with Madsen, who clearly didn’t when he would immediately shoot for a takedown to start each of the two rounds. Maybe he should consider a career as a Wal-mart greeter.

As for the fight itself, Madsen spent most of it shooting and then ground-and-pounding Wagner, opening up a San Andreas Fault of a gash in his forehead that turned it into the bloodiest TUF fight yet. Abe was like Lincoln at the theatre. Watching him get stitched up afterward was like watching Dr. Frankenstein go to work. Oh, and can I just say that there was entirely too much vomit in this episode? I love that Wagner told the fighters back at the house that he gets sick before a fight and that he adjusts his diet on the day according to what tastes best the second time, but I don’t need to see it or hear it.

That said, the episode should’ve been two hours long to give us more insight into the fighters – and I don’t mean bullshit fratboy antics – and also a second fight. Again, it’s the superhero thing – Spider-man 2 is better than the original because the story’s been established and Spidey can get down to the business of beating people up.