Kimbo gets crucified as Nelson delivers a whopper of a win

Much ado about nothing. That’s how I feel about the most-anticipated (and hyped) episode in the history of The Ultimate Fighter. Because really, what do we know after the episode that we didn’t know before? That Kimbo Slice has no ground game and hasn’t really improved much as an MMA fighter or that Roy Nelson is a talented fighter with a fat belly? No surprises there.

Last night featured the long-awaited, much-debated octagon debut of the big-bearded Youtube brawler, who opened the episode with some self-improvement mumbo jumbo about realizing the “enemy” is the “inner me” or something like that. Not exactly Tony Robbins-level insight.

We got a surprise visit from coach Rashad Evans’ Greg Jackson teammate Keith Jardine, whose appearance was obviously designed stir up trouble with Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, never mind that any tension between Evans and Rampage is long gone thanks to Rampage quitting the UFC to try acting.

We also learned that ex-NFLer Marcus Jones is a big softy who likes Dungeons & Dragons, comic books and gardening. The self-described “most boring brother around” also has a sore knee that will give him a Phillipe Nover moment next week, leaving the door open for the possible return of one of the previously beaten fighters.

Okay, the fight: Kimbo Slice vs. Roy Nelson. Slice’s only hope was to knock Nelson out while Nelson Babe Ruthed his entire fight plan. Just as the Sultan of Swat called his shot in Game 3 of the 1932 World Series, Nelson described to his teammates how he would pin Slice on the ground in a crucifix (one of the safest positions in MMA), drape his belly across Slice’s chest and beat his head with punches until the referee intervened. It wouldn’t matter how hard he hit Slice or how much damage he caused, just the sheer repetition and Slice’s inability to intelligently defend himself should be enough to force the referee to step in.

And that’s exactly how the action played out. In the first round, Slice and Nelson traded jabs and eventually got tangled up against the cage. Nelson tripped Slice to the mat, landed in full mount before transitioning to side control, then briefly worked a kimura before trapping the arm under his leg and peppering Slice’s skull with some 44 punches. Referee Herb Dean, obviously aware of how important this fight was, allowed the attack to continue and continue and continue until the clock ran out even as Nelson shouted at him to intervene

In round two, Slice again found himself in Nelson’s crucifix – henceforth known as the blubber guard – after delivering an ill-advised knee, and Nelson again played Little Drummer Boy on Slice’s noggin while his teammates counted out the strikes and Rampage shouted “Don’t let him do that!” Somewhere around the 22nd or 23rd punch to Slice’s head the referee waved it off.

Nelson celebrated by asking a cageside UFC president Dana White if he could get a double whopper with cheese, an obvious plug of UFC sponsor Burger King and the polar opposite of UFC heavyweight champ Brock Lesnar’s dissing of Bud Light at UFC 100.

White later insulted Nelson’s performance, claiming the punches were like being hit in the head by his daughter: “This guy’s acting like the whole world should be blown away by his performance. Roy did just enough to win and not get hit.”

But isn’t that the whole point? White – and everybody else – has praised light heavyweight champ Lyoto Machida for accomplishing the very same feat. And in a tournament-style setting like TUF where a fighter has to win three times to make it to the final, wining while staying healthy is crucial.

As for Kimbo, who has shown very little improvement as a mixed martial artist since his backyard brawling days and obviously belongs in the 205-pound division and not tangling with heavyweight leviathans, he’s already let slip that he’ll be fighting in the UFC in December, likely on the TUF: Heavyweights Finale on December 5.