Guess what boys, a female MMA star has just been offered an invitation to pose for Playboy. Before you go grabbing for the Kleenex, it’s not Gina Carano or Sarah Ponce or Miesha Tate, but Cris “Cyborg” Santos.

Years ago, stumbling around Amsterdam I learned an important lesson: You cannot unsee things in life. Certain images will haunt you for the rest of your days (as anyone who has watched WWE star Chyna’s porn can tell you). You can shower but you will not be clean.

I have a ton of respect for Cyborg. She holds the Strikeforce 145-pound women’s title, easily beating Carano and simultaneously shortening the amount of time I spend in the shower by about five minutes (hurry up, make that movie, Steven Soderbergh!). Cyborg will defend her Strikeforce title on January 30 against Marloes Coenen. She trains with the Chute Boxe Academy and is an outstanding athlete. There has been a lot of speculation that she takes performance enhancing drugs, but as far as I know she has never failed a drug test so these accusations are almost vindictive in nature since there is no evidence that her athletic prowess is attributable to anything other than hard work.

MMA has a peculiar relationship with female fighters, often focusing more on their personal lives than their fighting abilities. There is not much hype about who Wanderlei Silva is dating and Playgirl will not be calling him anytime soon. That said, some female MMA fighters (notably Carano, Tate and Ponce) pose suggestively for men’s magazines, thus promoting themselves as a sex symbol as well as fighters. Therefore, commenting on what they do as hotties, as well as fighters, is fair game.

Cyborg vs. Carano was billed by some as Beauty vs. the Beast. As far as I know, Cyborg had never publicized herself as anything other than a fighter. Therefore, I thought commenting on her looks was inappropriate. However, once she admits she’s considering posing for Playboy, her looks become a fair target.

Cyborg says that in her entire life only one man has seen her naked and she needs to “think deeply” about posing for Playboy. If she decides yes, I’ll be buying “Jugs” that month instead.

The Kimbo Slice fight on The Ultimate Fighter Finale on Saturday was the most watched UFC fight in 2009, peaking with 5.2 million viewers. But it wasn’t the most-watched MMA fight – that honour belongs to the best MMA fighter in the world, Fedor Emelianenko, whose Strikeforce debut bout with Brett Rogers on CBS drew 5.46 million.

Kimbo’s not doing badly for a guy who did not win a fight on the show, refused another chance to fight when UFC president Dana White offered, was presented a fatted calf in Houston Alexander at a catchweight bout and then bitched about cutting weight. Winners never quit and quitters never win, unless you are a ratings magnet like Kimbo.

Kimbo still holds the record for the most-watched fight in American MMA: Slice vs. James Thompson attracted 7.28 million viewers at an EliteXC event on May 31, 2008.

In a world where Kimbo holds viewing records, George Bush can be president and Billy Bob Thornton can marry Angelina Jolie, there might be hope for all of us. Kimbo fights for every man who lacks skills, knowledge, training, experience and good looks but still craves success.

If it’s any consolation, some of the most-watched fights in the world involved some of MMA’s less-than-stellar athletes. Bob Sapp has been in two out of three of Japan’s biggest draws. Sapp vs. Akebono drew a whopping 54-million television viewers, making it the most-viewed MMA fight in Japan. The fourth most watched fight in Japanese history involved a Nigerian comedian who was popular at the time. From Kimbo to Sapp watching the not-so-greats of MMA keeps eyes peeled to their televisions.

Ever wonder what the baddest man on the planet’s favourite candy is? Does “The Last Emperor” want chocolate in his peanut butter? Is he looking for something that melts in his mouth, not in his hands? Does he taste the rainbow or eat the red one last? How many licks does it take him to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Does a Mars a day help him work, rest and play? Does Fedor Emelianenko sometimes feel like a nut and sometimes not? Is there a party in his mouth and is everyone invited? All right, I’m done.

The WWE seems to be all over the UFC lately. Last week, I wrote about Shane McMahon looking to buy an interest in the UFC and this week Hulk Hogan showed up at The Ultimate Fighter Finale.

The Hulkster even gave some advice on how the UFC could improve business:

“Dana [White] does a great job, and it’s obviously working, I mean the sport is huge right now compared to a few years ago. But I just think there are little things he could do to improve the show, dude. With a nice entrance way, some pyrotechnics and custom entrance music for his fighters, it would ensure a much more fan-friendly environment and allow the fans to better identify the individual fighters. I think small things like that would go a long way in building up some of the lesser known fighters. Just the fact that the crowd [was] chanting ‘boring’ out there during one of the fights speaks volumes [about the current product].”

I have no objection to the pyrotechnics. If people want to blow shit up I’m not going to stand in their way. But where we seem to have the WWE beat is in the story lines. Not even Vince McMahon could come up with War Machine.

War Machine (formerly Jon Koppenhaver) is a 28-year-old fighter whose fifteen minutes of fame included a win on the The Ultimate Fighter 6 season finale and then a loss at UFC 84. Following the loss, he embarked on a career in porn.

“I’m a full time Alpha Male. I get paid to fight and to fuck….what more could I ask for,” reads one of his tweets. He is living the dream, I’ll give him that.

War Machine then gets into an altercation at a porn party and beats up like ten guys, but it doesn’t stop there. He is already awaiting trial for a fight at a rumoured gay club/gym he worked at. In a recent interview, War Machine gives his side of the encounter:

“Cindi: Next rumour – you are on probation, because you beat up someone at Krave, a gay club/gym (depending on who you listen too), and this incident is going to put you in jail for a long time. What parts of that statement are true?
WM: I have a trial in January for a fight that I got into at Krave with a fellow employee. He was the doorman there and is 6′5” and weighs over 300 pounds. He thought he could kick my ass and was wrong so he called the cops. It will be another easy case to win via self defense. I will not be going to jail for a long time for any of this crap. Just because I am a pro fighter and have a name for myself when I am involved in an incident it draws a lot of attention. It does not mean that I am not allowed to protect myself against opponents three times my size or against groups of ten men.”

War Machine, who is obviously innocent (in a Michael Jackson/OJ Simpson kind of way) is appealing for money to help pay for his legal fees to help fight this obvious injustice. You can send all donations to SayNoToJail@yahoo.com. Cheque’s in the mail, War Machine.

I’m not one to talk about how anyone else makes their matrimonial vows. I was married at the Welcome to Vegas sign by a fat 70s Elvis, the taste of tequila and stripper spit still fresh in my mouth. Looking at the woman of my dreams while trying not to throw up on Elvis’s blue suede shoes, I somehow managed to blurt out “I do.” That my wife didn’t run off with Elvis is a miracle on the level of loaves and fishes.

But I realized I was seriously upstaged when I read that Ultimate Fighter 6 cast member John Kolosci married his fiancee in the cage.

Upon reflection, the decision makes perfect sense. Both fighting and a wedding ceremony involve walking down the aisle with theme music and hopefully good people in your corner egging you on. Both involve contracts and for many cutting weight for the given event. Unfortunately, in a marriage it is next to impossible to call off the event or exact a fine if your spouse does not make the weigh in.

The only thing that really seems to be missing was one of the Buffer brothers officiating the ceremony. What truer, wiser and more profound words could be passed on to a new couple then “Lets get ready to rumble”?

Why do promotions think I love metal riffs and want Megadeth to play between fights? Why do they think I’m a low-rent man wearing a stained wife beater and swilling Pabst Blue Ribbon in my trailer while gazing with bloodthirsty eyes upon the sport of “human cock fighting” before stumbling off to climb on top of my wife?

I have always have had my doubts about this stereotype of the MMA fan. First, there’s the MMA couture: Tap Out and Affliction shirts aren’t cheap. UFC tickets are prohibitively expensive and the pay-per-views are not nothing. Throw in a bar tab, and flowers for an angry wife or girlfriend when you come home pissed and it’s downright costly. If you actually train in the martial arts, tack on gym fees, the cost of gloves, shinguards and other gear, and “fighting with the stars” seminars (Shogun and Rich Franklin were both in Toronto last week and their seminars cost more than 100 bucks apiece for what amounts to a glorified autograph session).

So it’s obvious that, as a demographic, we obviously have some disposable income. UFC president Dana White saw it years ago and has been making my pockets lighter ever since.

Thus, when data from Scarborough Sports Media indicated that advertisers were reaching key male demographics via MMA, I assumed it had been published in ‘The Journal of Things I Could Have Fuckin’ Told You Myself.”

Shocking! Advertisers are marketing to men at MMA events! Does this mean no ‘Affliction Tampons’? No Tapout ads during repeats of Sex In The City? Slightly less obvious than the fact that we are a sausage fest, is that this kolbasa seems to have some bread.

According to the research, MMA fans (defined as “those who watched the sport on broadcast or cable in the past year”) are doing well. We are fifteen percent more likely than the average adult to have a household income of $75,000-plus, and ten percent more likely to own a second home. Fifteen percent of us are planning to buy a luxury vehicle within the next year, and we are ten percent of the potential market for new SUV purchases. As will be painfully obvious to anyone who has ever watched Spike, we buy a lot of video games. Thus, we are 158 percent more likely to buy a video game system in the next year. Also, we are more likely to buy an HDTV. ‘Cause you have never seen Roy Nelson’s gut jiggle until you have seen it jiggle in HD.

So next time you are stuck at a traffic light and a Bentley pulls up and asks to borrow some Grey Poupon, think MMA fan.

According to several sources, Shane McMahon, the silver-spoon-sucking son of World Wrestling Entertainment mastermind Vince McMahon and sometimes wrestler, is looking to buy a minority financial interest in the UFC. I know this is not going to win me any friends at FightingWords, but I think it’s awesome.

First, he’ll be able to help market the UFC more effectively. He’s put Hulk Hogan and John Cena T-shirts in every boy’s closet in North America and he’s delivered the all-American WWE image to countless countries around the world and he’ll do the same for the UFC. He’ll build the brand from its current niche market – no matter how much UFC president Dana White talks about the UFC being as big as football or basketball, it’s still small potatoes in the global sports arena.

But the addition of McMahon, should it happen, will also have a much simpler yet more profound effect: he’ll bring showmanship to the show.

People have been talking smack about Brock Lesnar bringing his WWE antics into the octagon for a while now and this will only add fuel to the fire. Which I’m down with, ‘cause I’m a pyro.

Since childhood, the WWE has been providing me with some of my favourite things in life: a spectacle of violence and scantly clad woman wrapped in soap opera melodrama; television Pablum distilled to its most basic elements, easy to digest no matter how wasted I am on the couch. God bless ‘em.

The McMahon family has been bringing us sex, violence and hullabaloo since before Dana White was a glint in his daddy’s eye and MMA fans disparage such antics. However, for many, I believe it’s our guilty little pleasure.

Many of us watched Anna Kournikova without any love of tennis. We watched Mike Tyson long past his best before date as a boxer: “I want to eat his children!” Unfortunately, I will remember Jesse Taylor and Junie Browning long after contenders with far superior talents have faded into memory.

These theatrics have always existed in MMA. Have we forgotten the Kimos and Baronis, the circus atmosphere of PRIDE, the ramblings of Rampage, the David-and-Goliath matches with Fedor and Hong Man Choi? Hell, the UFC has such characters that the “dreaded” WWE snagged Tank Abbot and Ken Shamrock away from it.

I watch MMA because I love the physicality of it, the technique, the strategy, the god-given talent and yes, the spectacle. The spectacle does not necessarily cheapen or distract from the sport, it can possibly even enhance it. It puts asses in seats and that means more money and more money means better talent and better fights.

I’d like to say I watch MMA (or any sport for that matter) solely for the athleticism, but I’d be lying. And I don’t think I’m the only one.